Music, Cuteness & Cats.

FIRST STORY
Ok..first off...one of my favorite bands (Old 97's) had a cd released today. I woke up a little early this morning just so I would have time to run up to the local record store to buy it before work. I have been looking forward to this release for a few months now.  So...I get to the store and I can't find it. No biggie. I am just blind or something and can't see it. So I go and ask the dude working there (yes, I am living in CA now, I am required to say DUDE) if they even got it in today. He said that yes, it says they have one in stock. He was very nice and tried to help me find it. We looked and looked. FINALLY...he came across the little OLD 97's title card.  NOTHING! Apparently, they had only gotten ONE in...and someone had already bought it.  I was seriously almost in tears by the time I left the store. It just sucks soooooo bad to have your hopes dashed like that!  *sigh* 

 Enter SuperMan Dan.  Once again...my honey saves the day! I called him at work to tell him my dilemma.  He said that on his lunch he would run over the record store near his work and pick it up for me.   My HERO!!

SECOND STORY
I must look YOUNG this week.  First the lady at the adoption seminar telling me I am TOO young to be dealing with IF. THEN..at work Sunday I almost had to call the police on some lady because she was seriously having a conniption about my age.  She walks in the store around 11am with 3 or 4 friends...I lost count. They were LOUD LOUD LOUD.  At first I thought she (maybe the whole group) might be drunk. But I couldn't smell any alcohol on them & they weren't really acting drunk...more like they were just on some serious medications or something.  One of them swore and then looked around the store realizing that there may be other people in the store too.  I heard 2 of them say that there were kids in the store. I looked at my co-worker.  She looked back at me. We both glanced around the store looking for the kids they was talking about. 

The 'ringleader' walks over to us and says something like 'you guys are just KIDS, right?'
Once again, me and my co-worker exchange glances. 'Uh...no.' we say in unison.  She looks right at me and asks how old I am.  I tell her my age.  This is met by an immediate 'You're LYING!!!'....repeated times.  Followed by 'I think you're 18. You're 18.  Turn around.....Lemme see your id.!'  At this point her friends decide to join in the apparent freak show that is my youth.  'OMG...She is sooo cute.' 
Now if you know ANYTHING about women...short women in particular...CUTE is definitely NOT the adjective you want to use to describe any of us that are over 11 years old.  Nope...it's a fact.  How I held my tongue...or my fist, I will never know.  I amaze myself sometimes.

THIRD STORY
I found out something this evening.
Jack is scared of people.  I had the girls from work over this evening to talk about a schedule change and a few other things.   As soon as my boss walked in, Jack started to cower.  Then hid the rest of the evening.  I will admit, that my boss is a little on the loud side. But it's not a yelling loud...it's more of an excited happy loud.  I always knew that Jack was a little gun shy with noises and stuff, but this posture and attitude kind of surprised me.  Being the hog for attention that he is with me and Dan, I figured he would just take attention anywhere he could get it. I was wrong apparently.  Meg, on the other hand was trying to attack everyone in sight that had a zipper, necklace, HAIR.......
Jack, not Meg, is the one that definitely takes after me. 

And Finally, A REALIZATION
A long time ago, I said something about how little things that people say can have a big impact on you and stick in your brain.  That happened to me tonight. 
When the girls came over tonight, my boss asked me about how the adoption seminar went. I told her how excited Dan had gotten and how I now had more reservations about the whole thing. She asked what my hang ups were.  Well...money mostly, I said.  Then I told her about how the idea of someone actually picking ME to raise their child just was a lot to consider. 
 'I mean, Who am I?'
'What do you mean, Who are you??? Who is anyone? Why is she more special because she can have a kid?' she asked.
Silence. Good question.....Good question.

~Mixed Feelings~

We, or should I say I had to get up at 5:30am yesterday morning to make it to the adoption seminar on time.  My brain was in a FOG at least until the time we got there at 9:30.  We were a little early, as usual.  We got there, talked to the woman who was giving the seminar for a minute. We went into the room where everyone would be, and put on our name tags. Of course, being ME, I had to draw a big smiley face after my name.   For some reason, that made Dan laugh a little.

There were 5 other couples there.  ALL of whom had been dealing with infertility for a while now, obviously. The lady I sat next too said something to the effect that I couldn't possible be old enough to be going through a struggle with infertility. How condescending is THAT?

Anyway, the lady running the seminar gave us all some handouts.  Then she started explaining the adoption process, bit by bit.  She first went over the financial aspect. (I think this will be our biggest obstacle.) Then she explained all of the paperwork that would have to be done.  She then talked about any roadblocks that you might encounter...such as prior arrests. She also went over what to expect with the 'homestudy'. This part scares me a lot.  As I said before, I don't make good impressions on people, so it will be VERY stressful for me to be interviewed. 

This is an agency that only deals with 'Open' Adoptions.  This means that you also will have to write a 'Dear BirthMother' letter. Which they tell us is the hardest part of the whole process.  In OPEN adoptions, YOU, as a couple, are chosen by the birthparents.  So, once you pass your homestudy, get all of your other paperwork completed, you set up your own little website that has pictures and tells your story.  If the birthmother is interested in you, you get a phone call and meet.  If there is good chemistry there, you talk to the s/w and could possibly get things started at that point.  If you think it's a good match with the birthmother, you discuss how much or little contact there should be...and so on and so forth.

They also had an adoptive family come in, and I have to say, the father was a much better speaker than the lady that was giving the seminar.  Both parents were full of LOTS of information. The thing that they BOTH stressed was that when filling out the paperwork, being interviewed and meeting any potential birthmothers, that you should BE YOURSELF.   Down the line, I guess it can cause some problems if you tried to be someone you are not at the time of the meeting.   That makes sense, I guess.  But, it also got me thinking.  Why would anyone on earth, chose ME to raise their child?! I mean, seriously! With all of the couples to chose from, what would make US stand out? Ok yeah, we crack eachother up, we are goofy. We both love music, and we get along pretty well....but what does any of that have to do with raising a child? It boggles my mind.

Pretty soon after the adoptive family left, the seminar was over. It was 1:30 and we were headed home! Thank god...it was Excedrin Migraine time! Dan pulled over to get a lemonade so I could take the excedrin, and then we were on our way.

We started talking on the way home and the first thing Dan said was that I could go ahead and call Dr. Schmidt and tell him that we would definitely NOT be pursuing IVF/DE any further.  Adoption was the route we are going to take.  Now, as excited as I was about this in the beginning, you would think that this would make me happy. And, I guess, it did. But it also made me sad.  Which I wasn't expecting.  To officially stop TTC in every way, shape and form is a big thing.  I know that it's the right decision for US. With the list of reproductive atrocities that IS my body (uterine scarring, blocked left tube, +anticardiolipids....and now POF) it would be such a gamble to go ahead with anything other than adoption.

So, after the seminar, Dan is MORE sure about going this route, and I am less sure.  Life isn't so bad right now, Meg and Jack keep me happy and entertained.  Maybe THIS was how my life was meant to be. 

Every person NEEDS good walking shoes!

We went up to 'Big Basin' today,for our hike.   It started off as quite a nice little hike. We decided to take the 'moderate' trail.  The walk on this trail is 4 miles long and is supposed to take 3 hours to walk.  I think we were about 30-40 minutes into our walk when I noticed that my feet were beginning to get a little sore.  I made Dan stop so I could make sure it wasn't just something in my shoes that was causing the 'discomfort'.  I didn't find anything, so we kept on walking.  Another 5-10 minutes passed and I could tell......BLISTERS!  Oh my god! It started on my little toe of my right foot.  A few minutes later...the heel of my left foot started to hurt too.   By the time we were at the 1 hour 15 minute mark...I had literally screamed out 'Fuck it! I am going barefoot!'  I ripped off my shoes and kept on walking! (What a trooper!) 10 minutes or so go by and we finally get to the main attraction of this 'hike'.   A waterfall.  It IS very pretty and relaxing to see and listen to it....did I mention that it is like 85-90 degrees outside???? Oh how I just wanted to jump in the water.  But it wasn't to be.  At this point, Dan started feeling bad for me, so we decided to head back.  I start walking back with my tennis shoes put on my feet as 'slip-ons'... and keep walking.  
  
So, here I am walking...trying to keep my new 'slip-on' shoes  on my feet...making me trip over myself when I notice some cramping coming on!  All I could think was 'You are fucking kidding me, right?...RIGHT?'  This certainly wasn't making the experience any more pleasant....but I could deal.  Just one more thing to add to the fun I guess.
 
There is one more thing that I should explain at this point.  I have a very odd condition. I don't know if there is a name for it and I have never asked anyone about it.  In warm temps. or when I am being very physical, I don't sweat like normal people.  I turn colors.  My face will first turn a light pink.  Then a little brighter. Then red. Then finally...purple.  (Here we go with the purple again) It is absolutely miserable.  So, you can just imagine the rainbow of colors I was going through during this outing.  And of course Dan takes great pleasure in pointing this out every time it happens. 
 
Through all of this, every 2 minutes Dan is taunting me by telling me 'We are ALMOST there!' ...followed by a little snicker.  After hearing this about 10 times, he seems to have forgotten the game and stops.  Another 10 minutes go by and all of a sudden Dan stops in the middle of the trail and acts like he hears something. 'Shhh', he says 'do you hear that?' ....SILENCE.  'that sound means...we're ALMOST there!!'  *snicker snicker*  Well, at least he is keeping me laughing..even when my feet feel like they are about to explode.  What more can you ask of a husband?
 
Another 10-15 minutes go by and we finally see our car!! Hurray!!!!!!  We get back to the car...I take my shoes off!! Hurray again!!!! Dan says he wants to run up to the gift shop to get another RedWood Seedling for his mom, so I put my flip-flops on that I had brought and had left in the car. (I have no idea WHY I had brought them..maybe a premonition?)  We go up the gift shop...pick out a few things...then grab something to drink. Sit down and drink our drink.  We watch  a little chipmunk that is running around and discuss which one of our kittens would be more likely to be the cause of this chipmunks early demise.   Such lovely  romantic conversations we have. 
 
After we are done with our drink, we head back to the car.  On the 1 minute walk to the car...Dan notices that my flip-flops have given my feet new life. Uh-oh!! 'There is an easy trail right near the car....it's only a half hour hike.  What do ya say?'  *SIGH*  I just can't stand being a party-pooper, so up the trail we head.  This walk turns out to be MUCH nicer. My feet still hurt, but not like the stabbing burning searing pain before.   As we are walking..I start smiling. Dan sees this and asks what is so funny.  I look down at the little ditch next to the trail and say 'I am just imagining shoving you in those weeds.'  SMILE SMILE  He laughs and says 'That's funny..I was just thinking about rolling you down the hill over there.' 
AHH...married life!

The Week in Review

I am sorry that I haven't posted in a while. I just honestly have had nothing to write about. Life is pretty boring right now.  The only point of excitement has been waking up yesterday morning to see that SOMEHOW, our kitchen tile was covered with purple stuff.  It was a great topic of discussion for me at work yesterday. A great mystery! What could this purple stuff be? Who could have put it there? Did Barney break into our condo and whiz on the floor?  It took us half the day to figure out that Meg (we are assuming) had been playing with one of their furry mice (a purple one) had somehow dipped it in their water bowl, then proceeded to take it out of the water bowl and play with it on the tile floor, having all of the dye from the mouse scatter about.
As much as I love Meg & Jack, I will now admit that they are truly testing the limits of my patience.  Between the kitchen floor mystery and Jack deciding that it's a fun game to steal my glasses off of my nightstand every night....all I can say is they are lucky they are as cute as they are.

What else has been going on this week, you ask? Well...being the pop culture nerd that I am...I of course watched all of VH-1's 'I Love the 90's'! I am accicted to these stupid shows. 'I love the 70's', 'I Love the 80's', I watched them all.  After watching 10 hours of this stuff, I have to say that I now officially have a crush on Michael Ian Black. 
 
In other news: We are officially signed up for an adoption seminar for a week from today.  The information packet I got from this agency was really interesting.  It seemed to deal with more than just the adoption process. It talked about the trauma of going through infertility too, which I really liked.  The bad news is that it is near San Fran..and it begins at 8am.  This means we will be getting up at like 5am to be there on time! *gasp* The proscept of moving ahead with this is both exciting and nerve racking.  We are still discussing the idea of at least going to talk Dr. Schmidt.  (The dr.we had been seeing at the IVF clinic.)  I talked to him just after I had gotten my first set of sucky b/w back and he said that after the second round, he would like us to come in again to discuss IVF/DE.  
Even though I got sure horrible news last week, after reading more and more stories of women with POF, I am realizing just how lucky I am. There are so many women that have a buttload of menopause symptoms that do not get diagnosed for years because their doctors either don't listen or don't believe that they could possibly being going through this at such early ages.  Even though I have been dealing with IF for over three years now,  I FINALLY found a doctor that listened to me and took my concerns seriously and did the correct testing.  I actually got diagnosed with this before I even talked to him about all of the symptoms I had been having. (Hot Flashes etc.) That is something I know I need to be thankful for.
 
Me and Dan actually BOTH have today off. (A saturday, no less) so we are about to head up to Big Basin RedWoods Park to go for a hike.  WOOHOO!! I sure as hell need the exercise!  That will be our excitement for the weekend!   

And one last note:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CARA! 
 
JULY 17th~ Later that same day.......

Dan just finally woke up, and we decided to wait until Monday to go to Big Basin. It's all good...there will be fewer people there then anyway.  It will also give me time to catch up on laundry among other things too.

I just got back from getting todays mail, and something occured to me. I got a letter from my friend, Vicki. It came with pics of her 2 kids and her doggie. (Very cute, BTW) After reading this short little letter, I just realized how things have actually really changed over the past month or so. In the past, I have been more than forthcoming to my friends about what has been going on TTC-wise.  Until now.  I just noticed how hesitant I have been about telling people about the POF diagnosis.   I thought about it, and realized I am ashamed of what my body is doing to me.   I don't want people to know.  I can't explain it.  It makes me feel bad because I know that especially with Vicki, I would get nothing but understanding and support.   I know I don't owe anyone a monthly or yearly progress report in this area, nor do I think people expect one, but yet it feels somehow odd not telling  people what is going on.  I honestly hadn't understood that it has been shame I have been dealing with more than anything else. God damn ovaries! I friggin' hate you right now!

A little good news!

Wow! I know it sounds cliche, but maybe things DO happen for a reason. Ever since I got 'the news' on Wednesday, life has been taking an upward swing.

Unfortunately, I am on day 10 of a migraine..but I was actually able to get rid of it today somehow. (knock on wood)

I looked into, and emailed a few adoption agencies yesterday to request information, and already received one in the mail today. How exciting is THIS?! Man, they are QUICK!

I had to work today. I am not thrilled about working on Saturdays, but I worked with my boss, and she informed me that I was getting a pretty impressive raise at the end of the month, when one of the other girls leaves. (I will be getting more hours too!..gotta pay for the kitties toys somehow!)

...and last but not least.....no pukies on these new pills!!! I am kind of thinking that they aren't totally taking care of the hot flashes though. I will give them a little more time before I say for sure though.

Thank You George Dubyah!

Yesterday didn't bare good news at the drs. office. I am glad Dan went with me. We got there at 11:30am and got taken right into an office to talk to the dr. I was literally shaking I was so nervous.
The first thing the dr said that was the meds I was on typically will lower FSH levels, but that mine was still at 56. Yep, even on the meds...56! (The part that really confused him was the fact that even while taking the estrogen supplement, my e2 was still way low) So, now I have been officially diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure.

Oh, but wait! That's not the best part! The dr told me that with this diagnosis, I can look forward to a much greater chance of getting osteoporosis, heart disease and breast cancer! Will the fun never end?!

The dr did, thank god, change my HRT meds. I will now be taking something called FemHRT, which will hopefully get rid of the pukies. Ya know what else it will get rid of? Periods!! I take these pills non-stop and it's a constant of hormones that will get rid of that unwanted bitch Aunt Flo!! Booya! He asked how important having a period was to me. I laughed. God damn, if I can't get pregnant, I may as well not have to deal with cramps and stuff, right? So, at least that fact is making me happy. He gave me a Rx for this stuff, and told me that if the pharmacist asks any questions about why I would be taking this..."Tell him it's none of his damn business..and your dr told you to say that." I knew I liked this guy! He was still pretty insistant about us not giving up TTC. He told us that he has send 2 of his patients to the local IVF clinic and, through grants and such, they had their IVF done for free. So, that is something we will be looking into.

The Plan:
Take the FemHRT for a month or so...if I like it, fill the Rx and call the dr to let him know, it's going ok. If I hate it, call him after the month and we will try something else. When I go in for my annuals, the dr also wants to do at least a yearly check of my FSH levels, just to see where I stand. He thought the idea of being off the meds for a month or 2 a year was a good idea too.

The other good thing about this diagnosis is the fact that the dr also told me that this more than likely explains the miscarriages and my freak of nature periods over the past 5 years or so. I won't lie and say that I wouldn't have liked a DIFFERENT explanation, but I guess at this point, I will take any answers I can get.

I don't know what I would have done over the past few years without Dan. Or Calli. Or Meg & Jack. Or Miss Ollie, or Suz or Mollie or Kym Or Evelin. Or Donna. Or Amy...and all the other great ladies that have been there for me. Let me just say..YOU KICK ASS!!!! And one more BIG THANK YOU:

After we left the drs office yesterday, we went out to lunch. Then came home for a bit, then left again to go see 'Fahrenheit 9/11' A big Thank You to GWB! Thank you for giving me an outlet for my huge steaming pile of dog shit pissiness!

I miss my hormones! (Who woulda guessed?)

My HRT protocol is taking premarin then premarin/prometrium in 28 day cycles. At the end of these 28 day cycles, I am to take a 5 day breather from the meds, then hop back on the hormone train. This 5 day hormone absence is proving to be tougher than even the sucky side effects I was having while ON the pills. Mood wise, anyway.
Between NOT being on these pills, worrying about my latest bloodwork results, working more hours, having my allergies come back into play (Ha-choo!!), finding out that little Meggie cut off our phone by chewing through the cord in the bedroom, my jaws have been clenched so tight that it's given me headaches for the past 2 days.
I am now also wondering if my test results will even be back before my drs appt. on Wednesday because of the long holiday weekend. Screw You 4th of July! (Oh, estrogen, how I miss thee!)
Ok..one more vent and I will stop whining.
I really frigging hate it when they make movies from books and don't even stick to the god damn ending! We watched 'Secret Window' last night. And if it weren't for the fact that I got to stare at Johnny Depp for 2 hours, all would have been lost! THAT WASN'T THE ENDING!!
OK, I lied...ONE MORE.....
Marine layers SUCK!! What the hell is going on with the weather out here in CA?! Is my calendar wrong or is this summer?? It has been overcast and kinda chilly here for the past week! Of course, I finally decide to work on a tan and..mmhmm...no sun! It's a conspiracy!

I am NOT a Foo Foo!

Those of you who know me from 'www land' might find this a bit hard to believe, in the outside world, I am a bit reserved and shy. Ok ok..at least when I first meet someone.
More than once in the past few years I have been told by people whom I have become friends with, that when they first met me, they didn't like me.
When I asked about this, here are a few of the answers that I got:

1) I was quiet
2) I walked with my head down
3) I was quiet
4) Umm...quiet again

In my world, I just don't understand how quietness translates into snootiness or stuck-upedness (Yes, that's a word....I just made it up) Why doesn't the word 'shy' ever cross anyones mind?? Have these people never met any shy people? Are there still shy people out there???? Is there? Oh and let met say for the record that being shy SUCKS! It's just not cool to have a stranger start a conversation with you...whether it just small talk or whatever...only to have your face turn bright red and to have you start tripping over our own words. This makes you try to avoid these situations, by doing things like 'walking with your head down' It's hard to start a conversation with someone if they never look at you, right?

To be fair, over the past few years, my quietness has faded some. I don't know whether to attribute this to getting older or to the hell my life has been the past few years, but whatever it is, I am grateful. It's much more satisfying to tell dirty old men, or catty old bags to 'Fuck off', than to drop your head and slink away. Believe me!

There has been one topic throughout my life though that I have never been quiet about. I will tell you a story.

A few years ago, when we moved to California, I started hanging out with 2 of my neighbors. These were 2 of the loudest women I have ever met in my life. I think it was a total new thing for them to hang out with someone quiet. Anyway, one day I went over to one their apartments and there were a few other neighbors there, that I hadn't met yet. One of them being a guy in his 40's who weighed about 275-300 lbs. All of the people in the apartment were talking and discussing this and that. I was more or less sitting on the couch observing. UNTIL....I noticed that this 'hefty' neighbor of ours picked up one of my neighbors new kitties in a way that didn't sit well with me. I sprang to life! He proceeded to get a 10 minute lecture from me about the proper handling of cats. When I got done with my speech, I looked around only to see everyones jaws on the floor. What? Yeah, I am quiet and weighed almost a good 200 lbs less than this guy, but I also can take care of business when need be.

Since we are addressing misconceptions about myself here...let's get one more thing straight. I am not a foo foo girly girl. Ok, yes, I do my hair and make up every day and I wear heels most of the time. (I think you would wear heels too, if you were only friggin 4' 9"...give me a break) So fucking sue me! I also 'moshed' at my own wedding, have changed the brake pads on the family car, I got my nose pierced, I have a tattoo(ok ok, so it's of a fluffy little kitten, but still....) and have done countless other less than 'girlie' things in my time.

I have had to deal with the barrage of jokes about this, which I don't really mind. There are definiely a lot worse things to be made fun of for other than taking care of your appearance. A few weeks ago, I got to work and came in on the middle of a conversation of 2 co-workers. They were talking about going to the gym in the morning. My boss, looked at me and started laughing. 'Tiff, couldn't go to the gym before work, she would have to get up at 5am to do her hair and make-up first.' *laughter*

I don't know whether this is all due to being petite or what, but I am not a foo foo she she rah rah girl. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.


SIDENOTE: I just got back from getting my blood drawn. The countdown begins......
(Drs. appt. Wedneday morning to talk about the results.)